Why Nutella Is the Key to Global Hegemony.


Lizzie: Um…what are you doing?

Me: I’m getting ice cream.

Lizzie: So I gathered. What are you doing to the ice cream.

Me: Scooping it.

Lizzie: Oh my gosh, you’re insufferable. Why are you adding Nutella?

Me: Because we got off-brand ice cream, so there’s too much ice cream and not enough stuff IN the ice cream. Thusly, Nutella and chocolate chips are added forthwith.

Lizzie:……..Damn. Okay, now I want toast and Nutella. *Toasts the toast. Retrieves a plate. Retrieves a knife. Holds knife to my back.*

Me: Oh dear. I am about to die—

Lizzie: —salute you!

Me: Seriously?! It’s not “I am about to die salute you,” it’s “I, who am about to die, salute you!” You can’t even introduce the context to die properly.

Lizzie: Don’t tell me how to die! I have a right to my own tragic end!

Me: You have a right to nothing, you Spartan slime.

Lizzie: Did you just call me Spartan slime?!

Me: You viking viper, brazen barbarian, muse of Nero!

*Both remain alive by consuming respective Nutella.*

POINT: If the Romans had only used Nutella instead of violence to appease their enemies, they could have maintained their empire with efficiency and unshakeable permanence.


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